Outbreak Detected
It’s spreading.
Emergency rooms throughout western Europe, Australia and the U.S. have been inundated over the weekend with persons afflicted with what is believed to be a life-changing cardio-cerebral disorder. At the time of this writing, public health officials remain somewhat baffled. Although current details are sketchy, the only common demographic characteristic identified among the afflicted is that all claim to be of the Christian faith. Based upon this fact, the following is hereby communicated to the public:
Infectious Disease Alert – CCDC #2005-10-4 C:
The Christian Center for Disease Control (‘CCDC’) has issued the following health alert for the Christian community in western Europe, the U.S. and Australia: “It is apparent that some members of the body of Christ in these geographic areas have contracted a strain of amnesia. We are referring to the contagion as Christiamnesia,” according to Dr. Emer Gent, Communications Director for the Center. “We have several thousand suspected cases. Originally thought to be transmitted by contact with certain foods, the virus has been confirmed as being communicated person to person. It is amenable to air borne transmission. Unfortunately, this outbreak has officially been identified as possessing the capability of becoming a pandemic.”
The Epidemiology:
Acting on an abrupt rise in emergency room admissions in the last 72 hours, this statistical anomaly alarmed the World Health Organization-Spiritual (aka “WHO’S) who notified the senior staff at the CCDC. “Our investment in networking ER patient profile admissions worldwide has paid off,” according to a WHO’S official. “Originally intended to detect outbreaks of bio-terror in major cities on a global basis, it appears that our efforts have proved reliable in detecting the outbreak of the current phenomenon,” stated Dr. Stat S. Quo of the CCDC.
The CIA (Christian Intelligence Agency) has been charged with coordinating a worldwide, multi-agency, task force charged with tracking down the source of the outbreak.
The Quarantine
At the time of this writing, afflicted persons are being transported via military aircraft to an underground quarantine facility beneath the NORAD compound in Colorado Springs, Colorado. Task Force spokesperson Dee Nomination has said that the detainees have been overheard uttering, “Please! No more exposure to Focus on the Family,” referring to a right wing religious group headquartered in the Colorado Springs area. The Christian Center for Disease Control (‘CCDC’) disclosed today that they have completed in-depth interrogations of 937 suspected Christiamnesiacs.
At a makeshift press conference today outside the heavily fortified main gate of the NORAD compound, Dr. Pew Sitter, Director of the National Organization to Warn the World of Happenings Affecting Tomorrow (aka ‘NOW WHAT’), in concert with the Academy of Christian Epidemiologists, (‘ACES’) shared the following: “I have led a team of theologians and pastors who completed the initial interviews of those presently under quarantine. We have compiled a preliminary characterization of the malady. There appear to be no visible, external, physical symptoms of the disease. You cannot distinguish between a sufferer and a healthy disciple from their outward appearance. Sufferers have a quizzical look on their face when you bring up any subject related to the Christian faith. It’s as if their memories have been wiped clean. Prior church attendance, denominational affiliations, dates of being saved or baptized, small group involvement, tithing, evangelizing activities, Christian service and parachurch activities are all experiential memories that seem to have vanished from the recollection of each sufferer. Yet, each sufferer clearly recognizes the name of Jesus and instantly responds to His Name with “More…I want more of Christ in my life.” The afflicted have no remembrance of when and where they became exposed to this syndrome. However, it is clearly infectious. It’s quite apparent that the heart and mind of the unsuspecting victims have been significantly altered….perhaps for the better. It’s too early to tell.” (Gasps from the crowd were heard as reporters ran frantically from the media gathering screaming hysterically, “It’s contagious! It’s spreading! Call Pat Robertson now!”).
Christiamnesia Diagnosis:
The following section will describe the symptoms of Christiamnesia, as outlined by Dr. Pew Sitter and his colleagues:
1. Insatiable Appetite – These disciples have become seemingly overwhelmed with an insatiable appetite for more of Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, the vast majority of the interviewees are no longer formally connected to mainstream Christianity in terms of church involvement. Many of those under quarantine were found together at “emerging Christianity” gatherings, whereby like- minded disciples gather to worship, pray together, learn and encourage one another in pursuit of the God of More.
2. Adventuresome – Almost without exception, these disciples seem to enjoy the arts, literature, community service and the internet as resources deemed essential for their journey. An excerpt from the interview with detainee/disciple IwuzB4 characterizes this dimension of the syndrome: “I was dieing in my church. I knew there was more to the Christian life than what I had been led to believe. I wasn’t satisfied with their answer that this is it. I guess I got to a point where I concluded that there really is more to Jesus Christ. I had to take the essential steps outside of the limitations of what I thought I knew and I found Him there with more…much more.”
Search warrants obtained by the CIA have revealed that those under quarantine had the following common characteristics among their possessions in their personal residences. It should be noted that these materials are distinctly beyond the boundaries of what a denominational churchgoer, even a self-described nominal Christian would have in their home:
a. Literature – Book by authors like Brian McLaren, Donald Miller, Dallas Willard, Tony Campolo, Leonard Sweet, Eddie Gibbs, Jim Wallis, Thomas Merton, George Barna and others.
b. Musical instruments – Many of the searches resulted in seizures of a variety of musical instruments that detainees claimed to have played during times of personal worship. These included bongos, congas, tambourines, small harps, guitars, several kazoos, and more than a few cowbells.
c. Internet Usage – Reviewing the history from the web browsers of detainees, has produced a list of the following sites that were frequented most often. These include:
http://www.next-wave.org
http://www.theooze.com
http://www.dtour.com.au
http://emergent-us.typepad.com
3. Becoming – According to Dr. Pew Sitter and his team, “Without exception, each Christiamnesiac suffers from an advanced case of ‘whole heartedness’ condition. There is an undeniable sincerity about the concerns of these folks regarding the present state of the Christian faith in the world today, and their place in it. They firmly believe that Jesus has more of Himself to reveal to us. They are absolutely convinced that this can and must be accomplished outside the box that western Christianity has purported to have the present state of our faith confined to. These people truly believe that life is a spiritual journey and that a personal relationship with Jesus Christ can be nurtured and grown outside the confines of mainstream Christianity. Many denote renewed interst and activism is social justice causes around the globe and in their own communities. These people believe that the love of Christ can transform the world via their daily lives, without succumbing to the use of traditional proselytizing techniques. Detainees are dedicated to becoming all that Christ intends them to be and share the journey with others, without imposing their particular path on someone else. Incredible!”
4. Disarming – Theologians and pastors who conducted in-person interviews with the detainees whose responses are contained in this alert, were contaminated and infected by the authenticity of the detainees ( The majority of the Center’s staff who had personal interaction with the detainees during the interview process requested to be allowed to stay with the detainees ). Many pastors tearfully confessed they realized, after exposure to the detainees, that they had become rigid, narrow-minded, mean-spirited and inflexible in their thinking and communication. They had stopped growing in Christ. Due to this outcome, interviews with detainees are now taking place with theologians and pastors outfitted in air-tight, self sustaining protective gear.
Treatment/Immunization:
According to the CCDC, “The health of the body of Christ in the developed world is under siege. Don’t panic. Repent and pray! Fall to your knees and ask Jesus to boldly lead we, the afflicted, on our journey toward a deeper, more authentic intimacy Him and a day-to-day demonstration of the same to this, His world. Confess that you too have the distinct desire to experience some of the symptoms described herein. Confess to Him that you have felt an unceasing yearning for more of Him. Pray that each of us shall heed the following: “Narrow all your interests until the attitude of mind and heart and body is concentration on Jesus Christ. “Look unto Me!”
Our next alert will be issued at 11PM PST.
It’s contagious Christendom!
Bibliography & Notes
1 Chambers, Oswald My Utmost for His Highest Journal Barbour Publishing, Inc. Copyright (c) 1935 Discovery House Publishers & Dodd, Mead & Company, Inc. Copyright (c) 1963 Oswald Chambers Publications Association Ltd. January 22nd
