I’m am unrepentant baseball nut. It’s my favorite sport and the #SeattleMariners are my team. Forgive me, but I had to share what I – and my fellow Mariners fans, are experiencing at the moment. Perhaps, you can relate as a fan of the sports team(s) you are a dedicated fan of:
Seattle Mariners Fans Seek Psychotherapy – June 28, 2023 – By Bill Dahl
Psychiatrist: “Well, good morning – please be seated.” Smiling she asks – “how may I help you?”
Me: “I’m here because you do group therapy and I am a representative of a group. So, on behalf of our group, I am here to begin therapy. So, let’s get started shall we?”
Psychiatrist: Clearly perplexed, the psychiatrist gathers herself and stammers hesitantly; “Please…tell me about your group…and what you are currently, collectively suffering from.
Me: “Well, I’m a Seattle Mariners baseball fan. I am a member of this group – there are tens, maybe hundreds of thousands of us. When the team wins, the membership in our group might swell into the millions. It’s a fluid situation.
As an individual and as members of this group, we need help – professional help…the kind you provide.
What am I/are we suffering from? Let me share some of our most obvious symptoms and impairments:
- Many in our group have admittedly experienced thoughts of self harm like:
2. Jumping into the water fully clothed behind a ferry 20 minutes after departing from Coleman dock – at night, in the dark.
3. Leaping off the Fremont bridge.
4. Publicly admitting our change of allegiance and declaring our identity change to Oakland A’s fans.
Many in our group suffer with:
- Routinely shouting at our television sets and/or radio broadcasts during live games and wondering aloud why the Mariners players, Scott Servais, Hollander, Dipoto et al are not listening to us.
2. Placing our shoes atop our heads during live, nationally televised games as a clear message to the baseball gods that the team desperately requires something much more than good vibes…immediately.
3. Overwhelming guilt for our social media posts at the end of March 2023 where we publicly declared the Seattle Mariners serious AL West and World Series contenders this season.
4. We suffer from ongoing spurts of astonishment and have become acutely more judgmental – wondering aloud – “how do those people sitting behind home plate (at home and away) afford to sit there?” Most of them look unhealthy and poorly attired anyway.
5. Trust Issues – We believed the preseason hype from all the insiders, experts and pundits. We were mislead – Intentionally? Some of us think so and have succumbed to the comforts of commonly held conspiracy theories. We are the deceived. We feel ashamed to have become so vulnerable. Some of us have even become cynical. Feelings of utter abandonment are a common experience within the daily lives of our group members. Debilitating episodes of ongoing bouts of depression are rampant within our ranks.
6. Like hot air balloons, our warmest hopes fill our hearts when we win – and crash and burn with our losses. Drastic, intense, unanticipated and destructive emotional mood swings inhibit the life experience of our kind.
Me: “What do you think doc?”
Psychiatrist: Staring intently at me she says:
“Baseball is hard. Identifying as a Mariners fan is a significant burden in your life (lives) and currently – a tangible threat to your health.
Unfortunately, the route to recovery for you and your group will be a process and take time. This process begins with an awareness and an admission: Deceptions abound and have produced an array of popular, simple suggestions that a few easy tweaks and this team will perform up to their potential by:
- Finding a full time designated hitter.
2. Publicly declaring our ongoing collective gratitude that Winker and Frazier are gone.
3.Unrealistic Yearning – Like, constantly whining for the return of Carlos Santana.
4. Magical thinking – Like the MLB All Star game in Seattle this year will magically transform the team’s performance after the break.
5. Spending – Recurring, sweaty nightmares about speaking face-to-face with John Stanton regarding the necessity to spend more money on new players.
6. Umpiring – Repeatedly, spontaneously awakening during the night shouting aloud: “These umpires suck!”
7. Fighting – Relentlessly hoping for a nice bench clearing brawl with another team – any team…today…now.
8. Pandering nonsense to fellow fans on social media platforms using a faux name about the prospect for Jay Buhner replacing Scott Servais.
9. Wondering when Ichiro will come out of the dugout to pinch hit with the bases loaded in the 10th in a tie game with no outs. Oh yeah, I forgot: Ichiro is not on the 26 man roster…why not?
These are the simple deceptions you must avoid. That’s baseball. It’s hardball…especially for Seattle Mariners fans in 2023…Our session time is up today. I think we should get together for weekly therapy sessions until the end of the first week in October.”
Me: “Maybe twice a week would be better? Do you accept daily appointments until our condition stabilizes? Will my health insurance cover this? How about Medicare?”
